I used to think that stagnation was my biggest enemy. I’ve witnessed so much death I assumed the grim reaper was more powerful than the giver of life. Then life proved me wrong. Last week, two separate experiences catapulted me out of my solipsistic bubble of personal hunger and into the more powerful magnetism of mass starvation. Ever since, I haven’t been able to cleanse my head of images of that human-eating plant in The Little Shop of Horrors. Evidently, life’s voracious appetite is a universal condition.
First—and more benignly—I stumbled across a blog written by Adam Lambert’s younger brother, Neil. I enjoy the talents of both brothers for very different reasons; while Adam’s music is like a refreshingly mind-altering drug, Neil’s writing is a very tasty morning cup of coffee. Clearly, though, not all fans recognize the differences between brothers and have taken to terrorizing Neil like junkies hard for their next fix. Whether it’s that these fans assume they can somehow gain access to Adam through Neil, or they actually believe a shared bloodline makes one a heterosexual twin of the other, these fans are so hungry for attention, they have generated a 300-comment thread so bloodthirsty it makes Madame Defarge’s knitting seem like a child’s art project. Today, Neil finally closed the site to comments, following an announcement titled, “Shut the fuck up, everybody.” As a fellow (if less read) blogger, I feel very sad for Neil. And yet I know that eventually the revolution will move elsewhere, and he will return to calmer, if less populated, poetic pastures. More startling (and enduring) is the feeling of all that hunger. It lingers on my clothes like a nauseating smell I can’t escape. Is my own hunger this greedy? Will I become the next vampire? Oh how dangerously close are the worlds of revolutions and blood-sucking night creatures! And in our desperate culture, both can seem romantic.
Much more devastating is a tragedy closer to home. The lovely tomboy who taught me how to roller skate all of those years ago is now facing a challenge so unique it almost seems fictional. The cause of this tragedy? Simple, terrifying: life demanding its chance. I understand this demand. Lately, I’ve been living it. And because I’m living it, I can feel the threat of all that undigested energy waiting to be released. Living—fully, unpredictably—is a daily gamble. And often—as it is in my friend’s life—it is a fire sparked at a crossroads. We’ve all been there or will one day get there: a doctor finds a lump, or a deer locks eyes with us as it darts across the road. How will we handle such a moment? In which direction will life grow?
That plant in The Little Shop of Horrors—Audrey, Jr.—wasn’t evil. It just wanted to live. We all deserve that chance at life. We all deserve a fresh meal. What I’ve learned this week is that life can’t help itself but grow. What shape that life will take is the only real variable. At any given time, any one of us can grow into a blossoming magnolia or an Audrey Jr. What shape will my own growth take? At the moment, my choices seem laughably innocent. If I choose wrong, I will either miss the opportunity to love a second child, or else regret a child who was conceived too early. I will either write the wrong thing and have to retract, or else face the regret of a voice silenced too broadly. None of these fates are the worst that could come. No, life has much darker branches than these.
Neil, take heart. The hunger will eventually subside. The rioters will find a different street. In their wake, you’ll certainly find enough loyal and enduring companions for your journey.
And to my dear friend, who has saved me on more occasions than I can count: life comes in waves. I’ve seen you swim. And when you can’t, there are lifeguards all around.
#1 by Rebecca Hersh at June 22nd, 2009
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Oh, you just “stumbled” onto Adam Lambert’s brother’s blog? Sure you did…
#2 by Kristen at June 23rd, 2009
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Go ahead, Rebecca – bust me on verbiage. But who is it that’s always feeding my addiction with links? You’re really not much better than the florist in Little Shop…
#3 by Crys at June 23rd, 2009
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You know, in the same way Monsieur A. Lambert played a role in reigniting my once blazing interest in music and performance, I think that it is you that has been the final catalyst that has nudged me over the edge into putting fingers to keyboard.
It isn’t that I haven’t had encouragement, but with events in my life in recent years, the voice of those encouragers have faded and other things took their place.
I believe you have more courage than you may think. I think, as in many things in life, we are more a part of a larger whole in our ability to be strong and brave, than standing alone.
I read in your story some very similar elements to my own — too much death, not enough life, and the struggle to breathe life into being, more out of fear of what may not ever be, than anything else.
I have never read or heard in another person the same feelings I have had, in trying to overcome childhood events, and the feelings/scars left by them. So thank you for your courage. It has been a balm to me.
Plus it IS fun to just stretch verbal muscles — and laughter muscles.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I learned very young that not all profane words contain 4 letters — the worst of them all has 6.
But I’ve also learned, somewhere along the way, that it is in the very act of reaching out, like you are, in love and support, that that word loses some of its power to steal from us.
Sorry if I’m too maudlin, but you really did get tears out of me on this one, and I’m not much for that stuff.
( and on a completely unrelated note — isn’t it always a totally accidental, wholly unplanned, “stumble”, when we careen into celebrities. It is never on purpose.
You girls are fun!)
#4 by Natalie at June 23rd, 2009
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I love the last line about seeing her swim and reminding her that there are lifeguards just in case she can not this once. I find that truth to be self evident in my own life. Latest events have again reinforced the blessing of the many lifeguards. Knowing that I am not always able to swim on my own has been an awakening – I was never meant to anyway, and so to aim for self reliance over self sufficiency is both sane and healing.
#5 by Kristen at June 23rd, 2009
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Crys, it means a lot to me to hear that my words (and the struggles behind them) have made such a positive impact. Monsieur A. Lambert inspired me so profoundly because he seems so able to harness and channel his libidinal energy into such positive acts of creation. And these creative acts go so far beyond his musical talents; so many folks from so many walks of life talk of how he’s woken them up to their own potential. He definitely woke me up to mine. I’ve long been a writer hidden away in the lonely, daily cave of book writing and by his example decided to thrust myself more openly into the world. I’m still working on that book, but I’m no longer so lonely. I feel honored to think I might have passed along that spark.
Right now, hearing about the positive consequences of those libidinal forces is especially heartening. It’s important that I remain vague about the specifics of recent events, but the overarching theme seems to be how to balance stagnancy with its polar opposite – more cancerous (and I actually mean this metaphorically) growths. If Adam is the icon for positive libidinal energy, what is the opposite? As usually seems to happen whenever I gravitate too far toward one pole, the universe seems to be kicking me in the ass with a lesson from the opposite regions of life. That means that at the same time that I’m coping with the areas of stagnancy in my life, I’m having to helplessly witness the consequences of too much misdirected libidinal energy. Where is the balance? Will I discover it in this lifetime?
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to struggle with similar issues, and yet I also welcome the company. Thanks for walking the road!
#6 by Kristen at June 23rd, 2009
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Natalie, what a beautiful distinction between self reliance and self sufficiency. I often strive for self sufficiency out of my terror of abject dependency, and here you’ve offered me a state right in between! In those moments when the world feels like it’s tilting off its axis, I’ll remember to strive for self reliance. It helps, too, knowing that there are so many lifeguards around – and some just around the corner:-)