I’m terrified of flying. Very likely, this is the reason I haven’t stepped foot on a plane in the last decade. I used to be pretty good at flying, on planes or otherwise. I’d close my eyes and dive forward, into open air. Those were the days when I was pretty good at swimming, too. I never cared about freefalling back then. Or maybe I cared so much I couldn’t contemplate the fall.
I’m about to step into open air. The cliff I’ve been standing on is starting to give way, and anyway, my feet are itching for a change. They’ve been cooped up, stranded, left-behind for some time now. And I have this little boy constantly dancing around me, daring me to join the hurricane swell that is his life. What can I do? What choice do I have but to leap?
Of course, I have many choices. I don’t have to leap. I could stand still. I could fall. I could fly. Perhaps it’s not so much a matter of choice as it is a matter of faith. Neo doesn’t become the chosen one until he believes he’s worthy of being chosen. Am I worthy? Like Mulder, I Want to Believe. Oh, but what tricky, fragile feathers faith and belief can be! I can’t just “buy some” as Jack would have me think. I can’t order them up at a diner counter or glue them to my arms like a child’s art project. Faith comes in steps, not in leaps…and then, suddenly, you’re leaping. You’re flying without even realizing that you’ve left the ground. This is what’s so amazing about faith: it’s only a burden to carry when you’re not actually carrying it.
Last week, while Jack and I stared up at yet another plane that had captured his fancy, I found myself saying, “Isn’t it amazing that they don’t fall down?” Jack ignored me, and I’m glad he did. I hope his faith is so much stronger than mine that he can ignore my moment of faltering. I’d feel terrible if he tucked that nugget away and pulled it out later as full-blown doubt. After all, he is worthy. I suppose if he does remember my doubt, I’ll have the advantage of life on my side. By then, I’ll have taken a few more steps and seen a few more planes. By then, I hope to have learned that planes don’t fly by magic but by a series of physical laws. We fly in stages, I’ll tell him, not just by sheer will. I know these truths as fact. One day, I hope to believe.
#1 by Bobbie at July 20th, 2009
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believe my dear, you are worthy..have faith in that!
Love U
Bobbie
#2 by Natalie at July 21st, 2009
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I have also struggled with belief. The logical understanding is there, but the belief not so much. Its apparently not sequential. Some have advised acting as if or doing the deeds trusting that faith will eventually arrive. None of that has worked, nonetheless what choice is there to live a life bereft of faith is for me a non-starter
#3 by Crys at July 26th, 2009
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I have loved the following poem by Patrick Overton for years. It is titled simply “Faith”.
When you come to the edge of all the light you have
And take the first step into the darkness of the unknown
You must believe one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon
or, you will be taught how to fly.
I once challenged my fear of heights by taking up sky-diving. I determined that there was simply no higher that I could go than 10,000 feet into the air, and nothing scarier I could do than jumping out of a plane. The obvious worst that could happen was “splat”. I didn’t.
It was horrendously terrifying, until I let go. And then it was the most remarkable experience of my life. I still have a bit of fear of heights — I’m not crazy enough to stand on a cliff edge and hang my toes over.
But I trust myself to let go and fly. That’s what faith is all about really. Faith is self, universe, God, Allah, whatever. Stepping out and letting go. It isn’t easy, but clinging to what is keeps us in status quo.
Einstein once said that insanity was doing the same things over and over and expecting to get different results.
We have to step out into the unknown if we ever want to break into new things, new cycles, new patterns in life.
On the cusp of leaving my teens, I had a mentor who told me that people do not change until the fear of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change. That has stuck with me and defined my life a great deal.
Change is scary because of all the unknowns involved in it, and like Natalie, I’m a logical, analytical person. I like to know all the factors. Generally, that’s just not possible in life. So that is where faith, at the very least in self, comes into play. Knowing that no matter what life holds, we will land on our feet, is ultimately important in being able to step into that dark beyond the light.
I love that poem.
#4 by Crys at July 26th, 2009
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oops, faith “in” self, etc….